As I raise a glass to celebrate turning 38, I’m reminded of the experiences that have been part of my journey thus far. From the chaos of my twenties to the serenity of my thirties, each experience has led me to where I am in my life. In this blog, I reflect on the lessons learned, the challenges I’ve overcome, and the endless possibilities that lie ahead. Here’s to embracing our experiences and growing up gracefully, but never growing old.

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Like every woman getting closer to the big 4-0, I find myself reminiscing on the experiences that have shaped my journey in life thus far. From my 20’s being the decade of joyful and, at times, painful chaos, much heartache to my 30’s where I’m finding more tranquility, love and acceptance, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come. So, I thought I’d share some of the small life lessons that have become my guiding lights that continue to light my path ahead.

Assertiveness is Your Superpower, Not Your Flaw

First things first: Let’s talk about being assertive. We sadly still live in a world where a woman’s assertiveness is often repackaged as aggressiveness – a standard, I’ve very often noted, that is not equally applied to our male counterparts. Assertiveness, in its essence, is the art of expressing yourself, standing firm in your beliefs, advocating for yourself or others, while respecting the beliefs and opinions of others. But I’ve come to realise that when women step into their right to be assertive, there emerges a narrative that is all too common – the aggressive woman.

I recall a moment when I was discussing a topic with a male Director of the organisation I had been working with for many, many years. He had an idea of a digital project he wished to implement and, being the digital expert of the organisation who had extensive experience in the implementation of such a project, I requested a meeting to raise some concerns around the initial project and to discuss alternative solutions that could be implemented instead that would ensure the organisation allocated resourcing and financial expenditure appropriately as well as address the issues he raised for his team and the concerns for the wider organisation. I didn’t raise my voice and was considered with my words and tone, making sure I was being respectful and acknowledged his concerns and beliefs in the delivery of my alternative solution. However, according to him – I was aggressive, disrespectful and unsupportive. His solution to my assertiveness? To attempt to actively silence me in all future meetings for this project. I was not allowed to share my opinion in a meeting unless it had been vetted beforehand because, according to him, he thought it was unseemly having the digital expert question the ideas of a Director. Mind you – I never openly questioned his authority on matters in front of others. But don’t worry, dear reader, I didn’t let him silence me. I continued to be assertive and even started to respectfully share my opinions, especially those that differed to his, in those project meetings instead of on a one-on-one basis – even if it meant I endured bullying from him and another senior leader as a result (more on toxic workplaces later!).

But this example underscores a broader truth. Assertiveness is not a flaw that needs to be quashed or punished, it is, indeed, a super power that needs to be harnessed and nurtured. It’s a tool for dismantling the stereotypes that confine us, for speaking our truth in a world that sometimes prefers our silence, and for ensuring that everyone – including women – not only have a seat but a voice when sitting at the table. It’s a reminder that assertiveness is a declaration of our right to share our thoughts, stand our ground, and pave the way for a more equitable, understanding and compassionate world for all.

Life’s Length is Uncertain, Its Depth is Up to You

One unquestionable reality is that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. It’s a lesson I’ve learned time and time again, from my own battles with cancer to the heart-wrenching loss of loved ones. Yet, it was a poignant reminder last year, as my cousin bid farewell to his young wife after she lost her battle with cancer, that the fragility of life is not to be underestimated. At just 35 years old, she embodied the essence of vitality – a devoted wife, a wonderful mother of two, a beloved daughter, a sister, and a friend to many. I won’t pretend to have known her intimately or had the pleasure of being in her circle of friendship, but her untimely departure – and watching the impact on my extended family – was a stark reminder of my own brush with death and the preciousness of every moment we’re granted. It’s reminded me to chase the sunrise, to lavish “I love you” upon my cherished ones with reckless abandon, and to do just do the things – the things that scare me, that things that excite me, the things make me feel alive. Because, in the end, we won’t regret the chances we took, but the ones we didn’t.

Toxic Workplaces: Not Worth the Platinum Plated Handcuffs

Ah yes, the platinum-plated handcuffs of a high-paying yet soul-crushing job. Been there, done that, and have the therapy bills to prove it. I wish I could say that my experience with a toxic workplace happened in my early 20’s as a weird rite-of-passage and that I have experienced nothing but healthy workplaces since, but I was in the full bloom of my mid-30’s when the toxic workplace chapter entered my life.

I recall the jarring moment when, two weeks into a new job that was initially perceived to be a career pinnacle, a senior leader, with a boastful air, declared that if they didn’t like someone, they just got rid of them. The alarm bells rang loud and clear, yet the allure of the unparalleled experiences and the prestige of the role and organisation muffled the sound. Thus, I stayed – for almost three years.

My time there was marked by the eroding of professional and personal boundaries and encroachment on my personal time (goodbye work free weekends, holidays or even sick days). Professional development seemed like a lofty dream, as the senior leader constantly told us we were too busy to even consider taking time away from work to pursue any meaningful training, so any hopes of personal and career growth were dashed. Requesting time-off became a battleground, with terms dictated not by need but by the whims of authority. And motivation, if it could even be called that, was dispensed through the demeaning vehicle of group humiliations rather than the nurturing of potential. Reprimand was also a dish served with public spectacle, underscoring a pervasive, toxic culture that extended its tendrils far and wide in the organisation.

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back (that camel being me) was when I requested a mere four days off to complete academic assessments. I was met with disdain, mockery, and an egregious display of power in a public setting with the senior manager reminding me, in front of my colleagues, that I do not determine when I have leave, the senior leaders do. This leader then promptly threatened to cancel a previous leave request, a two-week vacation away with my husband that I had been planning for months. I also overheard this senior leader talking negatively about me behind my back to colleagues, stating that “we won’t benefit from her studying so why should I give her leave?”. My mental health and self esteem had taken enough of a beating, so I resigned the very next day.

Here lies the crux of the matter and the message behind my story: no job, no matter how gilded the cage, is worth the sacrifice of your well-being. The workplace should not be a realm where one’s humanity is bartered for profit and power, nor should it be a place where growth is stifled, and individuality is squashed. If you find yourself in an environment where you are treated as something other than a respected human being, it’s time to graciously bow out.

You’re Allowed to Change Your Mind

Change is the only constant, and nowhere is this more evident than in our desires and dreams. Whether it’s reconsidering motherhood, pivoting in your career, or letting go of a relationship that feels like an ill-fitting sweater, change is not just inevitable; it’s beautiful. I, for one, have decided to make the bold move to step away from a decade-long career in marketing to plunge, head first, into the male-dominated world of cybersecurity. And let me tell you, while it’s daunting and, at times, feels completely overwhelming, I know the juice will be worth the squeeze – eventually.

There may come a time when you look at a partner or a friend and realise the fit isn’t quite right anymore. Perhaps the relationships is constrictive or more draining than fulfilling, by acknowledging that it no longer serves you is a profound act of self-love and an admission that you value your own well-being enough to step away from something familiar yet unfulfilling. Over the last several years I’ve made the heartbreaking decision to let go of friendships that were more one-sided (you know the ones, where you’re the one that is making the effort and they don’t). Instead, I’ve decided to surround myself with people who not only put in the effort and add value to my life but bring happiness. Changing your mind about who you share your time and energy with is not only acceptable; it’s necessary for your growth and happiness.

On the topic of motherhood, society seems to have a vested interest in a woman’s reproductive choices. To this I say: my uterus, my business. Whether you’re child-free by choice or a mother of five, your worth is not measured by your fertility and reproductive choice. And, to my child-free ladies, remember that if you change your mind it’s your prerogative. Anyone who dares utter “I told you so” can kindly be shown the door (or a more colourful gesture, depending on your mood). Remember, changing your mind in anything in life is your right, not a reason for reproach.

You and Your Needs Matter Too

Ah, yes, the delicate dance of balancing life’s many demands while tending to the most neglected voice in the chaos – your own. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Society’s subtle whispers urging women to prioritise everyone else’s needs above their own, like some self-sacrificial martyr. But let’s be real, that martyrdom doesn’t come with a tiara or a big fat pay check, just a hefty dose of burnout and resentment.

Gone are the days of silently shouldering the burden of putting everyone else’s needs, desires and ambitions above mine own. No, my dear readers, as I reach my 38th year, I realise it’s high time some of my own needs to become an unquestionable priority. And let me tell you, the loving support I have received from my husband in this mental shift has been nothing short of heartwarming.

So what does this newfound devotion to self-love look like, you may ask? Well, for starters, it means mastering the art of the graceful “no” when stretched too thin, indulging in your passions unapologetically and voicing what it is you require from others without a hint of apology. And let’s not forget forgiving yourself for your missteps along the way, because let’s face it, we’re all just beautifully flawed humans doing our best.

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so take a page from my book and treat yourself with the same fervour and tenderness you so effortlessly bestow upon others. After all, self-love isn’t selfish; it’s a non-negotiable prerequisite for living your best and most fabulous life!

Cultivate Connections That Matter

As I’ve navigated the many ups and downs of life, I’ve come to realise the irreplaceable value of a support group of friends. In moments of triumph, it’s these cherished souls who raise a toast to your success, cheers echoing the sweet melody of your accomplishments. And in the depths of life’s despair, they’re our pillars of strength, offering solace and unwavering support during life’s inevitable bumps in the road. These connections are more than just mere friendships; they are our chosen family, the kindred spirits who illuminate our darkest nights and dance with us in the sunlight. They’re those people who text or call, just to check in, because they notice you’ve gone all quiet. They’re the ones who you can go days, weeks or even months without talking to and just pick up where you left off – as if no time has passed in between. Those people are my kind of people, and I am forever grateful that I have the privilege of having them in my life.

So remember to nurture your friendships with intention, cherish them with gratitude, and revel in the delight they bring. After all, life’s greatest joys are often found in shared moments, belly laughs, and the knowing glances and inside jokes exchanged between friends.

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As I embrace 38 with grace, I do so with a heart full of gratitude, eyes open to the beauty of the present, and a spirit ready for the adventures ahead. After all, life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself, one glorious, messy and utterly beautiful step at a time.

Let’s promise to live with intention, to love without limits, and to lead with kindness and courage. May we all embrace the chaos, the calm, and the countless joys that come with gracefully growing up, but never growing old.

Much love,
Lara X

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